Monday, May 11, 2009

The Audacity of Despair

OK, with a Qualls on city council and a Quinlivan in the running, I figure why not throw in a Quimbob as well. Rox and Laure and I could form a triumvirate of Qs.
Dunno if they will be hip to my platform, tho.
I promise to eliminate taxes and services. I will eliminate the police and fire departments and delegate their chores to Shadow Hare and his Allegiance of heroes. I will secede Cincinnati from Hamilton County. I will charge non Cincinnatians the cost of bottled water for their water. I will initiate a New Era of Empire for the Queen City nd we will raise an army and conquer and enslave Norwood then seize the Cincinnati Mall for use as a prison. I will liquidate the city pension fund and use it to pump beer through the Tyler Davidson Fountain.
I am firmly pro abortion. Every female in Cincinnati will be required to have an abortion before she can graduate from high school.
I am pro capital punishment. We will commence to hanging criminals and people I just don't like from the bridges over the Ohio River. oh - did I mention seizing the bridges from Kentucky and charging tolls to EVERYBODY who crosses them ? yeah, part of the New Era of Empire thing.
Street cars ? PFAH ! I will have mass transit hovercrafts gliding through the city !
Gay marriage ? I will give you gay marriage and long drawn out bitter gay divorce as well !
Stand with me my faithful reader and prepare for a new dawn of fire and rancor !
-heh- You now know more about my policies than this guy's.......


Mark Miller said...

I don't see the point of the hovercraft, unless you're going to race Si Leis for pink slips, but I do have another suggestion...

A Segway costs about $5000. A streetcar costs $110 million. Let's buy twenty thousand Segways and sprikle them all over the city. Folks can hop on, go to their destination, and just leave it for the next guy. We'd still have $10 million left to install an "Invisible Fence" wire so they couldn't leave the city limits.

Somehow that seems infinitely more practical, and a whole lot more fun (especially with a beer fountain).

Regardless, you've got my vote.

Quimbob said...

Thanks Mark, I knew I could count on you.
A key factor behind the hovercrafts is that I need to unload a garageful of grappling hooks.

Mark Miller said...

It turns out I desperately NEED a couple hundred grappling hooks for our anticipated siege of City Hall.
Three prong, or four???

You wouldn't happen to have a trebuchet tucked in the back that we could use to breech the portcullis, would you?