Sunday, January 18, 2015

We Can Save Our Malls

While watching the magnificent Mutant Girls Squad, I saw a possible way to our dying malls.
Human Sacrifice
No, not some weeping virgin clerk from Footlocker - a champion of the forces that have brought our once proud malls to their knees.
I propose we kidnap champions of the counterculture and have them engage in mortal combat with our valiant mall security forces. Champions of socialism, champions of urbanism, champions of small business, champions of ecommerce fighting to the death in our mall concourses. Once vanquished, our customers, clerks and maintenance personnel can gather and ritually feast on the champion. But not before he is skinned so he can be taxidermiated and put on display in a sacred spot in the mall, like the food court.
This will reinvigorate the shoppers and bring them back to the malls where they can bask in the pinball machine like environment, the bad service, and the mass produced merchandise that hails from exotic third world countries, made with love by barefoot little children.
This can work, brothers and sisters. This will be our destiny.

∃ ∀ ∈ ⊕

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